Fall is Here

The sun is coming up in the morning sky, chasing away the shadows of a dark moody night. As it melts away the morning chill, I’m hoping it will warm up this chill in my heart. All things revolve around the temperate state of my heart, and my heart gets cold at the first sign of perceived attacks. The only defense a heart can take when it has left its door open when trying to enjoy the last of a summer’s breeze. Now its just cold, and distant. It has run through the house, closed all the windows and locked all of the shutters. It is suddenly wary of company, shy to socialize, it wants no parts of any human parts, but this is no way to live…

Vent (previously posted on BlackWomanLostandFound)

I’m good at what I do
I can make you feel good too
Let my light illuminate your dark days
and let my words soothe away your pain
but before you think my service is free
that my emotional support is a pit to eternity
I need you to get it right
the redemption of your soul aint my fight
And for all my good deeds
and shoulders weighed with burdens
I’m going to need some reciprocity
this is my 2 week notice
Selfish isn’t a trait that I take lightly
I’m the only one who hogs up my space
I take myself highly
So when I’m down in the dumps
you betcha its your turn
to dry the tears of this clown
and turn my frown upside down
consider this vent a warning
heed it well
because one day I wont be there in the morning
you will be alone to deal with your hell

Guitar

I need to take guitar lessons! I truly believe, in my lil creative heart, that an acoustic guitar would go swell with my revolutionary spoken word pieces...hmmmm. If only I could play (side eyeing my guitar collecting dust).

Projects

Painting: I just completed a painting of my friend’s son. He’s soooooooo cute, and I’m not a kid person, but he is someone I wouldn’t mind spending some time with. The painting actually makes him look like a black Gerber baby, but hey I’ll call it artistic interpretation and keep it moving. I’ll post a pic a soon as I bring it over to her. She doesn’t know its coming so shhhhhh.

Painting: I’ve had a headache for the past couple days now and decided to paint my interpretation of a migraine…a migraine colored interpretation. Migraines are such a big part of my life that I’m thinking of doing a couple pieces. Now I just need to find some canvases on sale.

Painting: I started some demons, I sketched them out in pencil and ink, and now I’m trying to transfer them onto canvas. I started by painting the backgrounds for my demons to dwell. That was like a month ago. I need to sit down and focus to finish making them come to life. I’m trying something different with them, I’m actually going to build them up off the canvas so parts of their lil demon faces are raised. This little experiment has cost me a hack saw and some plumbing pipes…when at first things go awry, keep trying…

Writing: The book (s), are coming along at a start and halt pace. It’s so frustrating because I’ll have the motivation to write, get in the zone, write about 8 pages, then fall off and stop for like 4 weeks. Or never even finish.

Writing: Working up the nerve to perform "Assumptions" at a spoken word venue. Where is Alise when I need her moral support?

Personal website: I just need the time to write up the content; everything else is pretty much done.

Keeping busy busy busy!

A Personal Message

I'm riding the momentum of my creativity. I've recently removed another self imposed block to my success. Feeling liberated! I swear I can do anything!

The Darker Side Speaks

Hello world its me
the one she tries to keep quite
the one she confesses to at night
the one who knows how she really feels
I am that bitch who doesn’t care to be polite
and I’ve got something to say:

We don’t like you
she’s only being nice
we’ve never liked you
she trying to play the game right
but she’s gotten nothing for it
no prize, reward or relief
her inner thoughts have gotten morbid
from being nice and catching grief
so I’m here to say
what’s really on her mind
she cant stand your ignorant ass
and we wont give you anymore of our time
I feel better already
I think she does too
her thoughts aren’t so heavy
I even see a smile peaking through
I guess my job is done now
she wont let me speak for long
I’ll take my place in the back
until the next jackass comes along.

pioneer

its not easy being a pioneer,
no one believes in you until after the fact
then everyone wants to jump on your bandwagon
but whether they are in it before or after the journey
they're still slowing me down
so I guess its best that I forge ahead
alone...

PANIC

panting as I pace out the letters of my demise
aware of what I’m not aware of or have any control over
never wanting to feel this way, and yet I do, over and over again
isolated by the thoughts running through my head tying up my logic and my inner cool
coughing up phlegm of ignorance and uncertainty of what is to be, of what I cant predict

PANIC is all that it is over something I don’t even know cant even control and may not be as bad as my rapidly racing mind is making it out to be
PANIC over what may not even happen
PANIC of the unknown
PANIC of the fear of the idea that I may not succeed
PANIC blinding me from answers that will become clear with time
PANIC has taken over me……

*Marvin the Paranoid Android~Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

they say I reach too high
I say your frequency is too low and I cant hear you
they say my focus is too wide
I say as wide as wide can be still isn’t enough to contain this fire within
they say be grateful for what you got right here
I say I’m grateful for all of the experiences I’ve gotten from here and I’m ready to take them elsewhere
they say how dare you want more
I say ok enough is enough, tuning you out, don’t wanna hear you no more
I say today is a good day to do more
I say I’m the only one that can show me the way
I say I wasn’t meant to be half way
and I say today is the day, I will be great today!

Leaders are Born

My Thursday morning realization, leaders are definitely born. There are those who are meant to lead, those who are meant to follow, and those in the middle still trying to figure out which side of the line they are on. I learned that no matter how much you want someone to step up and lead, if it aint in them, it just aint in them. I need to stop denying where I am on the spectrum and take my place at the big table. There is a reason I’ve been called an angry black woman, a b*tch, aggressive, in need of getting some, that is because I have a job to do, and apparently it is to lead. So I gotta put my white mocha latte down and hop to it. The alternative is to continue to be frustrated with people and walk around with this huge chip on my shoulder. The chip is real, and its there, and its caused me to walk lopsided. Some folks call it my swagger, I call it trying to keep my balance. Either way, time for the chip to go, time for ME to step up and do what I was born to do. The age of the kid being nice and sensitive to other folks feelings is about to be over. And I cant even say I’m sorry.

settling for less

when you settle for less
don't expect to get more
when you remain calm in the face of injustice
you comply with the jankyness of it all
I refuse to be ok
with your f-ed up ways
it aint right
and I wont stand for it
I am better than
I am above
because I climbed my way up
and educated myself up
and I refuse to settle for less

untitled

Pilates
got my body
going ooow
like Cameo
in an 80s video

I get the message.

My horoscope says for my to experience new things today. It continued to say that I should get some dang exercise. My stress pouch is saying the same thing. My attitude is getting on my nerves, she needs to go out for a walk as well, and my blood sugar numbers are cosigning with everyone. Its diet and exercise time! Who wants to go walking with me?

its real

its real down here
where I am
and I don’t have the luxury
to care about anything but surviving
where I am I can taste the concrete
its not just asphalt under my feet
and I can smell the fear
its real palpable down here
so excuse me if I seem not to care
about what happens to you up there
because up there is where I escape to
but down here is where I live
and down here its hella real
down here we eat prisoners
just to stay alive
down here we do what we gotta
just to survive

New Painting Experience

I have a new painting taking form in my head. I watched the movie Frida over the weekend and was so inspired. I never knew much about her, other than that she was Mexican and had a fierce unibrow. After watching Salma Hayek make Frida come to life, I found a new appreciation for the artist. Her paintings were so raw and real, she didn’t hide behind niceties or art school propaganda, she painted it as she saw it. I love that kind free spirit!!! Ms. Kahlo suffered from an injury that left her bedridden and then in apin most of her life. She painted her pain and loneliness through a series of self portraits.

So I thought it would be neat to do a self portrait (I’ve done a few before because I have no one to model for me), and portray what I’m feeling. This led me to do some sketches and to really think about what I wanted to convey. I found out something that kinda…opened my eyes about what I value most.

I’ll keep you posted, with pictures, on how this work turns out.

Well come to this painter’s chronicled painting experience!!!

The Love embrace of the Universe, the Earth (Mexico), Me, and Señor Xolotl by Frida Kahlo 1949

A Mexican ying yang -- living between night and day, water and desert, enveloped by the Indian mother and universe.

Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo

untitled

hmmm
no words
to express the day that has begun
but has yet to start
heels dug deep
no no I don’t wanna go
everyday on the hamster wheel
blowing bubbles with my spit
salivating over a dream
deferred
updated
upgraded
and inflated
yeah I could think of a few places I’d rather be
guess I found the words after all

The stalker in me loves tracking the stalker in you.

Things the Eys will never use. Google has finally come up with its app for tracking other app users with a gps. How fun! So you can download this app and stalk your friends and family all day and all night. When I read this article I had to chuckle, the author did a good job of stating the pros and cons of this new app. But let me tell you this, I will NOT be using it :) Anyone who spends 5 minutes talking to me will pick up quickly that I am not the most open person when it comes to my personal business. I actually kind of pride myself with me covert opps, stealth mode existence, I love flying under the radar and constantly filling up the air of my mystery with my paranoid like secrecy. There is a reason why all of my good friends, all of my longest known acquaintances live MILES away from me. Like in another state including other time zones. Heck, most of my peeps have a wandering nomad complex just like me, I’ve moved my residence almost every year since 2001 and am looking to live in my 4th state coming this summer. So what the heck is she running from, you may be wondering, well if I told ya, I’d have to kill ya. And why do I continue to live the life of a paranoid Michael Phelps head (even tho I don’t partake)? You know sometimes its just dammit fun, and sometimes you have to do what you gotta to remain drama free. Coming from a sista who has been stalked and has stalked, I just feel safer at night knowing my whereabouts are a mystery even to me sometimes. So this lil app and the other apps just like it will never be on the Eys’s xmas list. no no no. For the same reason I’m anti twitter (nonya bidness what I’m doing or thinking right now, it might involve a plot to poke you in the eye for being so nosy) and social networking sites annoy the crap outta me. So many ways for people to get in touch with me, so many ways for people to connect, so many ways for people to get on my nerves. Trust if I need to find someone, its not the hard.

For example/funny story: I had a “friend” who’s car I passed everyday going to and coming home from work. One day I saw her in her car pulling out of her parking space and headed home (well getting on the highway). I thought it was kinda funny that I was in the car behind her and called her on her cell phone to play a joke. Well no evil deed goes unthwarted. The “friend” didn’t answer her phone. Then she picked it up (remember I’m right behind her and can see her) and texted me a message that read: I’m working late tonight, in a meeting, I’ll hit you up when I get out. Didn’t need a google app, a gps, twitter, facebook, or myspace to catch her in that lie….just good ole fashion coincidence.

My point is that sometimes folks use these apps to catch people in lies, to make sure their mates are where they say they are, and to keep track of their world. I say you don’t need an app, people will tell on themselves all by themselves, and if you keep your eyes open, you may get all the info you need.

No stalker apps for me, thank you very much.

GOP getting diverse

Read a news headline today that said “Joe the Plumber advises GOP”. Not wanting to jump to any uneducated conclusions, I clicked on the title and read the one page article. Yes it is true, the title says it all, Joe is sitting down with GOP geniuses and is giving them advice. OH where to begin. Joe the plumber (with no license) reminds me of the folks we see on the evening news who are always at the scene of some crime jumping in front of the camera to give their 2 cents. You know the people we cringe at as soon as we see the camera pan the scene. The loudest folks in the bunch with the least amount of pertinent information, but get the most air time. Yeah Joe is white version of that to me. Now I realize that someone stuck a microphone in his hand and shoved a camera in his face and asked him a question. I understand that this by no means was a well thought out plan by him to become famous. Yes I do blame the media for encouraging bafoonery on all levels. But this right here, the GOP using this guy, who has at no time during his 15 months of fame ever shown me any political savvy, is some stupid shit, plain and simple. Really GOP? Is this all you could find? Trying to represent the common man, huh? To me Joe represents a certain percentage of America, as does the crime scene locals who vie for camera time on the evening new. Between Joe the plumber(the common man), Sarah Palin(a woman) and Michael Steele(a black man, and I’m not saying Mr. Steele is incompetent), I think the GOP think they are covering all their bases. They are convinced that the non-diversity card will never be pulled on them again. I say GOP you need to spend less energy in pretending to give a f**k about us and more energy into actually giving a f**k about us.

And let me just add this disclaimer as well, I don’t care for any of the political parties in this country, I don’t discriminate against any of the parties, I equally dislike them all. Thank you.

Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore”

never before had the need been so great
never more had I needed you to be in this place
never wanted to be all that you need
never thought that I would want to follow, you lead
never could see myself being so open
never wanted my heart to get broken
never comfortable being on display
never wanted you to see me this way
but now things have changed
and my nevers are turning into forevers
and forever my needs you will fill
and forever in my space we can be still
and forever as you are I want to join
and forever we will be 2 sides of one coin
forever my feelings for you will be true
forever I’ll be painting rainbows for you
forever I’ll never be alone,
because forever your heart will be my home

*dedicated to the S.O.

a favor for your favorite

I am your favorite
you cant get enough of me
I am your favorite
everything you ought to be
but I have a request
something I need for you to do
can you please let this favorite
be who she is to you?
I am not the barer of your dreams
what makes you giggle
doesn’t tickle me
I am not the horse
pulling your wagon
this isn’t my load to carry
being a mule isn’t in fashion
I am not the vessel for which you can achieve
I do have a purpose
I do have my own dreams
so this favor I ask
straight from your favorite
vicarious being
can you please let me do me
and live your own f***ing dreams?

restless

waking in a sweat
but I was never really asleep
rest ain’t the same
with something on my brain
I have something to do
but I cant remember what
and I cant sleep with vague thoughts of urgency
keeping me up
and when I’m awake
I can’t think
because I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be
but I don’t know what that is
or maybe I’m scared of what that should be
I can’t run fast enough
away from what I’m supposed to do
and I cant sleep long enough
to rest up for another fight
against what I know in my heart is right

priceless

if I had a dime for every time you said this love was all about me
if I had a dime for every time you said with this love we were complete
if I had a dime, but dimes don’t get me nothing now-a-days
nor does this love
and you aren’t giving me what I need
nor what I want
so like these dimes
and like this love
you are worthless
in my life

if I had a dime for every time I should have listened to my heart…

high strung

strung tight
nerves raw and swollen
my body is a migraine
and you are causing me pain
don’t speak
don’t look
don’t even think my way
snapping would be the supreme satisfaction
for a high strung bitch like me

Have Faith

I could go with the flow and fall for anything
I could stand up for my beliefs and snap in the resistance
I could float on the wave and surf down the tide
I could swim upstream and drown from exhaustion
I could be flexible but still be cautious of where I go
I could be a stick in the mud and wallow in my resilience
I could fail to act and be acted upon, victim of the smackdown
How about I just get a clue and have faith?

*faith is knowing that everything will be ok

qahweh

murky gray
angry black
I struggle to open my eyes
and tear myself away from the cozy hazy softness of my dream bed
but all is not lost
pour pour pour
dribble trickle plop
creamy beige mixing with dark coco black making mocha colored ecstasy
tear tear
white sprinkles of sugar cane
mix mix mix
pouring down
a thirsty throat
mmmm
mmmm
mmmm
yeah today will be a good day

frustrated

have you ever felt like the same ole fool celebrating a whole new year
have you ever felt like the goals that weren’t there last year are all the more clear,
but the skills to achieve them for you aren’t that near?
have you ever had a conversation that never seemed to end
have you ever had a thought that no one else could comprehend,
but still you try to convey it, scribing it on the walls hand permanently stuck to your pen?
have you ever had a feeling, felt some kind of way
have you ever wished you could act and make them feelings go away,
but you didn’t know what you were feeling and which should leave and which could stay?
have you ever wanted to be alone, but share your time with a friend
have you ever looked around and saw that you were surrounded in the end,
but still didn’t have someone to call your own, no friend, no homie no lover even then?
have you ever felt frustrated by everything around you
have you ever discovered the cause was all about you,
but just didn’t know what to do?